My struggle with endometriosis probably started much earlier than I’ve been made aware of. And I wonder if it will ever stop feeling endless.
Last night, my OB-oncologist advised me to go to the ER due to severely strong menstrual bleeding. Apart from finances being shit for the longest time now and just the dread and anxiety of it all, I didn’t go. I also wanted to observe if the bleeding would slow down after a few hours. It’s not the most ideal thing to do in a situation like this, but it’s the best I could think of in the hopes that an ER visit and whatever comes next won’t be necessary. I said to myself that if it worsens, then I’d have to go.
It did slow down this morning, and I was able to take a shower, cook myself some bacon and eggs, and manage to make some homebrewed coffee. All seems to be well save for the occasional cramps.
In June this year, I was given orders to get some blood tests in preparation for dilation and curettage, a minor surgical procedure to diagnose any additional causes for my prolonged and strong bleeding apart from the endometriosis. No, I was not able to get those done, either, for the same reasons and, moreso, for fear of the said surgical procedure. But I don’t seem to be getting better, and so I must face the music and get all of those done soon.
I was first diagnosed with PCOS sometime in 2016 and endometriosis soon after. I’ve mostly accepted that conception is a highly improbable prospect for me, and it’s no longer something I wish for. However, I do not relish the thought of living in pain for the rest of my life, or at least until I hit menopause and the symptoms maybe lessen.
I remember being in immense pain for two weeks straight every month before being prescribed my current medication. It would be so bad that I wouldn’t be able to stand or walk for hours on end until the pain paused or was managed by pain relievers, albeit only a little. I would be outside in a crowded space, writhing in pain or indoors alone feeling like I might die.
It’s much better today because of the meds I’m taking, which are contraceptives used off-label for my condition. To be rid of that kind of pain is worth all the side effects, except maybe this prolonged bleeding, and I am losing my mind trying to manage it. I do enjoy the other side effect (when it happens), which is not getting periods at all for months. But I’ve not been lucky enough to get that side of the coin lately.
There have been other recommendations to manage it and the other co-existing conditions happening down there. One is to remove my uterus completely. Another is taking the medication intravenously. And needless to say, I’m supposed to be exercising regularly to manage its effects on my body, like weight gain. Something I’ve not been able to do because of all the stresses and demands of life.
To top it off, I am living with bipolar disorder and ADHD, sprinkled with a fair amount of trauma (I’m a CPTSD survivor). These further affect my mood and ability to function daily and achieve my goals. I won’t even enumerate the other shebangs, IBS being one of them. Sometimes, I wonder if there will ever be a stop to all the shit. I am tired.
All I know at the moment is that I am in pain again. The most important thing to watch out for is that none of it develops into cancer. This is a fear most women are constantly facing. But there is no choice but to keep doing the tests, keep taking the side-effect-ridden medications to exchange one pain for another, and just hope for the best.
Endometriosis is a long-term medical condition that affects millions of women worldwide. We are here. We’re in pain. And all we want is hope. I just want to enjoy my coffee without the icky sensations happening down that glory zone.
23 September 2026
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