Natalia GoLeave a comment

I Just Want Coffee Without the Icky in the Glory Zone

My struggle with endometriosis probably started much earlier than I’ve been made aware of. And I wonder if it will ever stop feeling endless. 

Last night, my OB-oncologist advised me to go to the ER due to severely strong menstrual bleeding. Apart from finances being shit for the longest time now and just the dread and anxiety of it all, I didn’t go. I also wanted to observe if the bleeding would slow down after a few hours. It’s not the most ideal thing to do in a situation like this, but it’s the best I could think of in the hopes that an ER visit and whatever comes next won’t be necessary. I said to myself that if it worsens, then I’d have to go. 

It did slow down this morning, and I was able to take a shower, cook myself some bacon and eggs, and manage to make some homebrewed coffee. All seems to be well save for the occasional cramps. 

In June this year, I was given orders to get some blood tests in preparation for dilation and curettage, a minor surgical procedure to diagnose any additional causes for my prolonged and strong bleeding apart from the endometriosis. No, I was not able to get those done, either, for the same reasons and, moreso, for fear of the said surgical procedure. But I don’t seem to be getting better, and so I must face the music and get all of those done soon. 

I was first diagnosed with PCOS sometime in 2016 and endometriosis soon after. I’ve mostly accepted that conception is a highly improbable prospect for me, and it’s no longer something I wish for. However, I do not relish the thought of living in pain for the rest of my life, or at least until I hit menopause and the symptoms maybe lessen. 

I remember being in immense pain for two weeks straight every month before being prescribed my current medication. It would be so bad that I wouldn’t be able to stand or walk for hours on end until the pain paused or was managed by pain relievers, albeit only a little. I would be outside in a crowded space, writhing in pain or indoors alone feeling like I might die. 

It’s much better today because of the meds I’m taking, which are contraceptives used off-label for my condition. To be rid of that kind of pain is worth all the side effects, except maybe this prolonged bleeding, and I am losing my mind trying to manage it. I do enjoy the other side effect (when it happens), which is not getting periods at all for months. But I’ve not been lucky enough to get that side of the coin lately. 

There have been other recommendations to manage it and the other co-existing conditions happening down there. One is to remove my uterus completely. Another is taking the medication intravenously. And needless to say, I’m supposed to be exercising regularly to manage its effects on my body, like weight gain. Something I’ve not been able to do because of all the stresses and demands of life. 

To top it off, I am living with bipolar disorder and ADHD, sprinkled with a fair amount of trauma (I’m a CPTSD survivor). These further affect my mood and ability to function daily and achieve my goals. I won’t even enumerate the other shebangs, IBS being one of them. Sometimes, I wonder if there will ever be a stop to all the shit. I am tired. 

All I know at the moment is that I am in pain again. The most important thing to watch out for is that none of it develops into cancer. This is a fear most women are constantly facing. But there is no choice but to keep doing the tests, keep taking the side-effect-ridden medications to exchange one pain for another, and just hope for the best. 

Endometriosis is a long-term medical condition that affects millions of women worldwide. We are here. We’re in pain. And all we want is hope. I just want to enjoy my coffee without the icky sensations happening down that glory zone. 

23 September 2026

Natalia GoLeave a comment

Take a Breath and Mean It

There are days when the reminder 

is a pleasant one.

Then there are those, like today,

when the reminder is unpleasant:

Life is fragile. 

However we receive it, 

there comes the urge to make a soft

reset

in our little brains

to look more closely, stop;

listen and take the moment

to pet the cat,

play with dogs, and stop obsessing

about money, about tomorrow.

Today…heed it intentionally.

Don’t wait for the reminder

to show up

in its unpleasant form: 

Life is fragile.

What would you do with it?

Start…with a breath. 

Take it freely, unapologetically. 

Like you’re allowed.

Like you deserve it.

Like you’re meant to be here.

Take a breath

for life is fragile…

and mean it. 

22 September 2026

Natalia GoLeave a comment

Behind the Facade

Living our days in the time
of manufactured urgency;
this forgery of progress
in a society that feigns cleverness
through cheap clones
of human labor.
A fleet of soldiers unwittingly defending
a system designed to kill them ultimately.

This whole facade of advancement
at the cost of worsening
our state of mind,
disabling our senses, robbing us
of the right to think for ourselves
with fake consent.
A system that chips away at our boundaries
one reasonable clause at a time.

Forgive me but I do not understand,
why resort to soulless transactions
when there is so much of life
to be lived?
When there are plenty of hearts
to draw from?

Is it not clear to you how
they force us to drink poison
while depriving us
of the water that affirms life?
Is it not visible to you how
you are sinking into a black hole,
willingly throwing your hands
up in defeat?

One day, you will look
behind the facade
and wish
it wasn’t too late.

14 September 2026

aerial view of mountains

Natalia GoLeave a comment

Tempting the Gods in Exile

I sat on what remains of the chaos
on the sand where the sun used to gleam.
Ashes and gunpowder dress my feet
as tears form a puddle on the black shore.
Here where the gods lay to rest.
Now they shower it with their wrath.

I threw a stone to the sea…
it returned with a thunder.
In the darkness, lightning.
I curse at what swam in the depths.
It did not surface to swallow me whole
as I hoped it would.

I tempt them once more for what else can they take?
I’ve been reduced to a ranger
picking flowers to mend my ails.
I long for berries and shade,
I will not get them.
There is only exile.

Tempting the Gods in Exile
21 July 2026

Natalia GoLeave a comment

Nakaw Na Dugo

Tila ninakaw ang init at galak sa aking diwa

ng mga makinaryang walang awang pumapatay

ng mga kaluluwa.

Mapanlinlang ang kanilang mga pangako

sa mga taong lulong na sa lason

na nagbibigay ng delusyon

na ang mga ito’y gumagawa ng makata,

mang-aawit, at pintor… 

Sa isang kumpas ng kanilang

makamandag na mga kamay

habang nilalamon nila ang tubig

na balang araw ay ‘di na muling dadaplis

sa ating mga bibig. 

Masahol pa sa mga asong walang kabusugan

ang mga halimaw

na patuloy na gumagawa sa kanila. 

Tila may mga kukong dumadagit

sa mga walang makapitan,

hinahablot ang kalayaang mag-isip,

lumikha, at magmasid. 

Ipaling natin ang tingin sa umaga.

Humawak ng pluma at gumamit ng pinta. 

Pasasaan ma’y mababali at pupurol din

ang mga pangil

at lalasunin nila ang mga sarili

sa pag-inom ng dugong nakaw

sa mga malikhain. 

Nakaw Na Dugo

28 June 2026 

artwork by Natalia Go

Natalia GoLeave a comment

Tinik at Talulot

Sinubukan kong harapin ang umaga
sa altar na nakalaan para sa’kin.
Puno ng mga alay mula sa kalangitan,
kaing-kaing na mga tinik
na bumabalot sa mhahahalimuyak na bulaklak.
Sinubukan kong hipuin ang isang talulot.
Baka kako’y may paraang mahawakan
nang hindi nasasaktan.
Dumanak ang dugo
at mga halakhak.
Isang biro sa tulad kong
madaling maniwala.

Minsan nang may dumating na kahon
sa aking pinto.
Nababalot ng ginto, makinis, at marangya.
Mga batong ilog,
biyaya ng mga santo.
Isang katuwaan,
walang bahid na malisya.

Dumulog ako sa mga arkanghel.
Bakit tila paborito ako
ng kanilang kapilyuhan?
“Hangal ka,” sabi nila,
“na naghahangad ng lubha
sa lupang walang awa.”

Kaya’t sinubukan kong ‘wag silang gambalain.
Maging ang mga bituin, sa akin
ay walang narinig.
Ang araw sumisikat
sa bawat kong paggising.
Sinag nyang tila may hatid na ligaya.
Ngunit sa liwanag ay malinaw
ang bawat bukas.
Panibagong mga tinik, bato,
at di maabot-abot
na mga talulot.

Sasabayan na lamang ang kanilang tawanan.
Baka sakaling ang pag-asa ay tumahan.

Tinik at Talulot
10 March 2026

Natalia GoLeave a comment

I Don’t Have Friends in High Places

I don’t have friends in high places.
Instead of coffers, I have piles of sheets
detailing the things I owe.
Where doors open up for the powerful,
they remain shut for me
and for the millions
whose helplessness becomes capital
for the powerful’s gains.

And though we stand and walk
on the same ground,
somehow we stoop at their boots
as though their feet float
above us.

How long do we keep our voices soft
for fear of it being taken away
completely?
We say yes to the everyday demands
of our well-being
to keep our shelter and ensure we eat.
They distract us with bills and rent
and the illusion of weekends;
the illusion of rest.

There is no such thing as rest
when even in your sleep
you’re thinking about how to survive
tomorrow.
And they own tomorrow,
our tomorrows,
as long as the world keeps spinning
the way it does today.

But they have friends in high places.
We have orders to follow.
The only thing left
is our anger.
It may not be much in their eyes,
but as long as it burns in ours,
it may yet eat away
at their gates,
the edifices that keep them safe.
As long
as we don’t look away.

4 March 2026

Natalia Go

Natalia GoLeave a comment

Sunshine: A Review by Natalia Go

Major spoilers ahead.

Content warning: Rape, abortion, and overall upsetting themes

“Naiintindihan mo ba ko?” Do you understand me? Sunshine asks the little girl phantasm as she makes her final decision. 

I watched Sunshine, not knowing what it was about, but the theme was set very early on. My primal fear was that it would deeply upset me, and it would have, had Sunshine decided otherwise. But it still upset me…for a different reason. 

Set in the chaotic Sampaloc area of Manila, where I grew up, the movie sure has a hold on me. Sunshine (Maris Racal) is a student training to compete in the nationals as a gymnast with dreams of making it to the Olympics. An unexpected pregnancy derails her plans as she begins to gain weight and feel nauseated. As expected, the baby daddy is a teenage boy who has no interest in taking responsibility for the child or Sunshine. Elijah Canlas does quite a convincing portrayal of Miggy, a conyo fuckboy who relies on daddy’s money to bail him out in every sticky situation he creates for himself. 

Worried about her future, Sunshine sets out to find solutions on her own, albeit not the safest ones. Since terminating pregnancies, no matter how early, is illegal in this country, Sunshine (and I bet, many other women) resorts to shady abortifacient sellers in Quiapo. The phantasm of a little girl whom she’s been seeing appears and tries to stop her from going there, guilt-tripping her into believing what she’s doing is a sin. But she is determined to do it. She tries and fails to do the deed and ends up in the maternity ward, almost losing her life. This is where she gets a lecture from a doctor who forces her to beg God for forgiveness for what she’s done. Luckily, her older sister, a former gymnast, gets there in time to tell the doctor off. 

Desperate not to lose her spot in the competition, Sunshine tries to get her hands on the medicine again. However, she encounters another pregnant young girl who begs for the abortifacient as she has no means to take care of her situation. We find out later on that this pregnant young girl is a 13-year-old raped by her uncle and is just walking around with a huge belly on the streets, hoping to find someone to give her money to pay for a “hilot,” a traditional massage therapist who can help her abort the child. Sunshine hands her some money, and the girl sets off for it. 

More than anything in this movie, this pregnant 13-year-old girl broke my heart. She is a rape victim whose mother couldn’t care less about. Without any adult to protect her or help her get out of her situation, she almost dies after going to the hilot. Luckily, she survived, and the attempt was successful. 

What troubles me most is that this is not entirely fiction: The Philippines remains one of the countries with the highest teenage pregnancy rates in Asia. It ranks second in Southeast Asia, with over 500 girls aged 15 to 19 becoming mothers each day. Even more concerning is the increasing number of pregnancies among girls under 15. Live births in the 10 to 14 age group rose from 2,411 in 2019 to 3,343 in 2023, marking a 6.6% increase in just four years. In 2023 alone, 17 young women under 20 had already given birth five or more times, and 38 girls under 15 experienced repeated pregnancies. The youngest recorded case involved a girl who became pregnant at just 8 years old and gave birth when she was 9*. 

With no safe and legal way to help kids terminate pregnancies, their future is bleak. While the 13-year-old girl survives in the movie, there is the impending doom that she has no choice but to return to her home, where the rapist uncle is unlikely to stop harming her. 

As for Sunshine, she refuses Miggy’s and his father’s offer to pay for the child’s expenses, expressly saying in the end that “I don’t want to be a mom.” She finds help from a friend who refers her to a proper doctor to help her resolve her unwanted pregnancy and be able to fulfill her dreams of becoming a professional gymnast. 

Toward the end, Sunshine sees the phantasm of the little girl again, and she asks her…“Naiintindihan mo ba ko?” Do you understand me? The girl nods. 

This movie is excellently acted and directed. It’s believable, heartbreaking, and if you can believe it, hopeful. 

I dare say, Sunshine by Antoinette Jadaone, starring Maris Racal, is a film every Filipino should watch. 

*https://www.humanium.org/en/the-current-teenage-pregnancy-crisis-in-the-philippines/ 

Photo from IMDB

Natalia GoLeave a comment

A Dance Through Stories

Our story started at a time of great peril. We danced through masked crowds and curtains of uncertainty. We made our way out into a plot of land and turned it into a garden where we made fire out of little twigs of hope. And lit our path to tomorrow. 

Though I wasn’t one so bold to assume we’d still be here today, somehow I knew from the first moment, I wanted to. 

I longed for you before any confirmation you existed. And when you first held my hand, I understood the plan; in the universe’s grandest scheme, in which you and I are written in the stars. 

Perhaps that is magical thinking. Maybe it’s a dream. Yet in my waking hours, I decide each time to choose you. For I will relive every moment over and over, even the darkest nights, so long as they lead me back here. 

Dance with me through the rest of our story. We’ve only heard the beginning of our song. Listen…they’re playing it in the heavens. For us. I don’t care how many steps we miss as long as our feet find their way back to our spot. 

Here, where there is no hesitation in your arms when they wrap around me. 

30 November 2025